


i'm uncontrollable, emotional, chaotically proportional

by greekdemigod



Category: Jane the Virgin (TV)
Genre: Canon, Character Study, Gen, post-S3
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-16
Updated: 2017-09-16
Packaged: 2018-12-30 13:14:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 795
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12109491
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/greekdemigod/pseuds/greekdemigod
Summary: Luisa Alver is not made for this hate inside her heart and this acid inside her stomach. The words her brother spat at her keep repeating inside her mind.





	i'm uncontrollable, emotional, chaotically proportional

**Author's Note:**

> Whew, I haven't written in so long, let alone finish something, that this feeling has become almost unfamiliar. Another Luisa-centric piece, because, and this should come as no surprise, she is my absolute favest ever and deserves all the fics written about her.  
> I don't know exactly where the inspiration for this came from, but here it is.
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

 

Luisa Alver is not made for this. Running the hotel, dealing with employees and the board, being responsible for the trust fund? She’ll be good at that—great, even, and much better than Rafael at that. But carrying this hate inside her heart, this acid inside her stomach? It’s already eating at her, tearing into her soft tissue, burying itself into the marrow of her bones.

She carefully takes her feet off the desk and wraps her fingers around the cold arms of the desk chair. It isn’t until her knuckles go white and her vision blurs that she gets up again, to try and walk off the urge to cry or smash something—or smash _everything_ , burn the Marbella to the ground, dance in the flames and ashes.

This is it. Will there be any coming back from this falling out?

Should she even want to?

The words her brother – _not_ brother, she should try to remind herself, but he was her true family, god damn it all – spat at her keep repeating inside her mind. She has done this before: obsess over what he says to her after she has disappointed him, mulling them over repeatedly until they warp into a voice unrecognizable, the insults a far cry from where they started, spun out of control.

But this time... There is no warping them into anything worse, because this is the lowest blow he could deal her. The very things that she never wanted to hear, and was so certain _he_ would never say them, not this, not _like_ this, but she has been too naïve. She should have listened to Rose, who warned her so many times that Rafael was not who he seemed, who Luisa believed him to be.

_Oh my god, you are completely delusional. Totally crazy, just like your mother, and you know what? I’m done pretending that you’re not._

_Done_ pretending. How can she hold onto any good memory of him now, if for a time unknown he has pretended to think she is sane, she is worthy of his time and him treating her like a sister who can be loved?

Her heart shatters as she feels herself lose the one family member she has left, and it shatters even more when she realizes that she has been in the process of losing him for a long time now. The way he kept her away from Mateo and the twins, the few times he visited her whenever she was hospitalized and always with an excuse in tow to leave quickly again, the incredibly controlling way in which he managed the trust as if it came down to him to keep her from spending money on booze or Rose.

Her hands wring together in anger.

She is scared of this dark roar of animalistic fury that unleashes inside her, whips and rattles like chains against the wall. Luisa wants to drag Rafael back into this office, to say, _Look at what you’re doing to me. Look at who you’re making of me._

But that wouldn’t be entirely fair, since she has always had darkness inside of her. Always outshone by the light, the pure, but which good-hearted soul would keep sleeping with their father’s _wife_ , who would return and return and return to alcohol while being in the business of _saving_ lives, if not someone who was tainted with darkness?

And maybe she does have that from her mother. Maybe it was poured into her genetics back when her mother held Emilio Solano’s favor. Or maybe she has it from him. He was never a compassionate father, a kind guardian. Or maybe she has it all from herself.

It does not really matter where it comes from, only that it’s there. And for years upon years she has shielded Rafael from it; he was the only one she cared about enough to want him to see only the good, only her warm love and kindness, her infinite patience, her unrelenting support like a force of nature. She loved him most in the world.

 But now that he has set her aside, and she has set him aside...

It’s strangely freeing. And as soon as she takes a few deep breaths and gets herself settled again, both physically and emotionally, her first thoughts go to Rose.

There is not a single thing in the world that can stop her now from fighting tooth and nail for the woman she loves. No limits on how much money she can spend, no brother who will judge and hate her for it, no need to try and be better.

If she didn’t hate him now, she’d almost thank Rafael for liberating her to be with the love of her life in earnest.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!


End file.
